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Somerset Maugham
The
verger busied himself quietly, replacing the painted wooden cover on the marble
font, taking away a chair that had been brought for an infirm old lady, and
waited for the vicar to have finished in the vestry so that he could tidy up in
there and go home. Presently he saw him walk across the chancel, genuflect in
front of the high altar, and come down the aisle; but he still wore his
cassock.
‘What’s
he ‘anging about for?’ the verger said to himself. ‘Don’t’e know I want my tea?
The
vicar had been but recently appointed, a red-faced energetic man in the early
forties, and Albert Edward still regretted his predecessor, a clergyman of the
old school who preached leisurely sermons in a silvery voice and dined out a
great deal with his more aristocratic parishioners. He liked things in church
to be just so, but he never fussed; he was not like this new man who wanted to
have his finger in every pie. But Albert Edward was tolerant. St Peter’s was in
a very good neighbourhood and the parishioners were a very nice class of
people. The new vicar had come from the East End and he couldn’t be expected to
fall in all at once with the discreet ways of his fashionable congregation.
‘All
this ‘ustle; said Albert Edward. ‘But give ‘im time, he’ll learn.’
When
the vicar had walked down the aisle so far that he could address the verger
without raising his voice more than was becoming in a place of worship he
stopped.
‘Foreman,
will you come into the vestry for a minute. I have something to say to you.’ ‘Very
good, sir:
The
vicar waited for him to come up and they walked up the church together.
‘A
very nice christening, I thought, sir. Funny ‘ow the baby stopped cryin’ the
moment you took him.’
‘I’ve
noticed they very often do,’ said the vicar, with a little smile. ‘After all I’ve
had a good deal of practice with them.’
It
was a source of subdued pride to him that he could nearly always quiet a
whimpering infant by the manner in which he held it and he was not unconscious
of the amused admiration with which mothers and nurses watched him settle the
baby in the crook of his surpliced arm. The verger knew that it pleased him to
be complimented on his talent. The vicar preceded Albert Edward into the
vestry. Albert Edward was a trifle surprised to find the two churchwardens
there. He had not seen them come in. They gave him pleasant nods.
‘Good
afternoon, my lord. Good afternoon, sir,’ he said to one after the other.
They
were elderly men, both of them, and they had been churchwardens almost as long
as Albert Edward had been verger. They were sitting now at a handsome refectory
table that the old vicar had brought many years before from Italy and the vicar
sat down in the vacant chair between them. Albert Edward faced them, the table
between him and them, and wondered with slight uneasiness what was the matter.
He remembered still the occasion on which the organist had got into trouble and
the bother they had all had to hush things up. In a church like St Peter’s,
Neville Square, they couldn’t afford a scandal. On the vicar’s red face was a
look of resolute benignity, but the others bore an expression that was slightly
troubled.
‘He’s
been naggin’ them, he ‘as,’ said the verger to himself. ‘He’s jockeyed them
into doin’ something, but they don’t ‘alf like it. That’s what it is, you mark
my words.’
But
his thoughts did not appear on Albert Edward’s clean-cut and distinguished
features. He stood in a respectful but not obsequious attitude. He had been in
service before he was appointed to his ecclesiastical office, but only in very
good houses, and his deportment was irreproachable. Starting as a page-boy in
the household of a merchant prince, he had risen by due degrees from the
position of fourth to first footman, for a year he had been single-handed
butler to a widowed peeress, and, till the vacancy occurred at St Peter’s,
butler with two men under him in the house of a retired ambassador. He was
tall, spare, grave, and dignified. He looked, if not like a duke, at least like
an actor of the old school who specialized in dukes’ parts. He had tact,
firmness,-and self-assurance. His character was unimpeachable. The vicar began
briskly.
‘Foreman,
we’ve got something rather unpleasant to say to you. You’ve been here a great
many years and I think his lordship and the general agree with me that you’ve
fulfilled the duties of your office to the satisfaction of everybody concerned.’
The
two churchwardens nodded.
‘But
a most extraordinary circumstance came to my knowledge the other day and I felt
it my duty to impart it to the churchwardens. I discovered to my astonishment
that you could neither read nor write.’
The
verger’s face betrayed no sign of embarrassment.
‘The
last vicar knew that, sir,’ he replied. ‘He said it didn’t make no difference.
He always said there was a great deal too much education in the world for ‘is
taste.’
‘It’s
the most amazing thing I ever heard,’ cried the general. ‘Do you mean to say
that you’ve been verger of this church for sixteen years and never learned to
read or write.’
‘I
went into service when I was twelve, sir. The cook in the first place tried to
teach me once, but I didn’t seem to ‘ave the knack for it, and then what with
one thing and another I never seemed to’ave the time. I’ve never really found
the want of it. I think a lot of these young fellows waste a rare lot of time
readin’ when they might be doin’ something useful.’
‘But
don’t you want to know the news? said the other churchwarden. ‘Don’t you ever
want to write a letter?’
‘No,
me lord, I seem to manage very well without. And of late years now they’ve all
these pictures in the papers I get to know what’s goin’ on pretty well. Me wife’s
quite a scholar and if I want to write a letter she writes it for me. It’s not
as if I was a bettin’ man: The two churchwardens gave the vicar a troubled
glance and then looked down at the table.
‘Well,
Foreman, I’ve talked the matter over with these gentlemen and they quite agree
with me that the situation is impossible. At a church like St Peter’s, Neville
Square, we cannot have a verger who can neither read nor write.’
Albert
Edward’s thin, sallow face reddened and he moved uneasily on his feet, but he
made no reply.
‘Understand
me, Foreman, I have no complaint to make against you. You do your work quite
satisfactorily; I have the highest opinion both of your character and of your
capacity; but we haven’t the right to take the risk of some accident that might
happen owing to your lamentable ignorance. It’s a matter of prudence as well as
of principle.’
‘But
couldn’t you learn, Foreman? asked the general.
‘No,
sir, I’m afraid I couldn’t, not now. You see, I’m not as young as I was and if
I couldn’t seem able to get the letters in me ‘ead when I was a nipper I don’t
think there’s much chance of it now.’
‘We
don’t want to be harsh with you, Foreman,’ said the vicar. ‘But the
churchwardens and I have quite made up our minds. We’ll give you three months
and if at the end of that time you cannot read and write I’m afraid you’ll have
to go.’
Albert
Edward had never liked the new vicar. He’d said from the beginning that they’d
made a mistake when they gave him St Peter’s. He wasn’t the type of man they
wanted with a classy congregation like that. And now he straightened himself a
little. He knew his value and he wasn’t going to allow himself to be put upon. ‘I’m
very sorry, sir, I’m afraid it’s no good. I’m too old a dog to learn new
tricks. I’ve lived a good many years without knowin’ ‘ow to read and write, and
without wishin’ to praise myself, self praise is no recommendation, I don’t
mind sayin’ I’ve done my duty in that state of life in which it ‘as pleased a
merciful providence to place me, and if I could learn now I don’t know as I’d
want to.’
‘In
that case, Foreman, I’m afraid you must go.’
‘Yes,
sir, I quite understand. I shall be ‘appy to ‘and in my resignation as soon as
you’ve found somebody to take my place.’
But
when Albert Edward with his usual politeness had closed the church door behind
the vicar and the two churchwardens he could not sustain the air of unruffled
dignity with which he had borne the blow inflicted upon him and his lips
quivered. He walked slowly back to the vestry and hung up on its proper peg his
verger’s gown. He sighed as he thought of all the grand funerals and smart
weddings it had seen. He tidied everything up, put on his coat, and hat in hand
walked down the aisle. He locked the church door behind him. He strolled across
the square, but deep in his sad thoughts he did not take the street that led
him home, where a nice strong cup of tea awaited him; he took the wrong
turning. He walked slowly along. His heart was heavy. He did not know what he
should do with himself. He did not fancy the notion of going back to domestic
service; after being his own master for so many years, for the vicar and
churchwardens could say what they liked, it was he that had run St Peter’s,
Neville Square, he could scarcely demean himself by accepting a situation. He
had saved a tidy sum, but not enough to live on without doing something, and
life seemed to cost more every year. He had never thought to be troubled with
such questions. The vergers of St Peter’s, like the popes of Rome, were there
for life. He had often thought of the pleasant reference the vicar would make
in his sermon at evensong the first Sunday after his death to the long and
faithful service, and the exemplary character of their late verger, Albert
Edward Foreman. He sighed deeply. Albert Edward was a non-smoker and a total
abstainer, but with a certain latitude; that is to say he liked a glass of beer
with his dinner and when he was tired he enjoyed a cigarette. It occurred to
him now that one would comfort him and since he did not carry them he looked
about him for a shop where he could buy a packet of Gold Flake. He did not at
once see one and walked on a little. It was a long street, with all sorts of
shops in it, but there was not a single one where you could buy cigarettes.
‘That’s
strange,’ said Albert Edward.
To
make sure he walked right up the street again. No, there was no doubt about it.
He stopped and looked reflectively up and down.
‘I
can’t be the only man as walks along this street and wants a fag,’ he said. ‘I
shouldn’t wonder but what a fellow might do very well with a little shop here.
Tobacco and sweets, you know.’
He
gave a sudden start.
‘That’s
an idea,’ he said. ‘Strange ‘ow things come to you when you least expect it.’
He
turned, walked home, and had his tea.
‘You’re
very silent this afternoon, Albert,’ his wife remarked. ‘I’m thinkin’,’ he
said.
He
considered the matter from every point of view and next day he went along the
street and by good luck found a little shop to let that looked as though it
would exactly suit him. Twenty-four hours later he had taken it, and when a
month after that he left St Peter’s, Neville Square, for ever, Albert Edward
Foreman set up in business as a tobacconist and newsagent. His wife said it was
a dreadful come-down after being verger of St Peter’s, but he answered that you
had to move with the times, the church wasn’t what it was, and ‘enceforward he
was going to render unto Caesar what was Caesar’s. Albert Edward did very well.
He did so well that in a year or so it struck him that he might take a second
shop and put a manager in. He looked for another long street that hadn’t got a
tobacconist in it and when he found it, and a shop to let, took it and stocked
it. This was a success too. Then it occurred to him that if he could run two he
could run half a dozen, so he began walking about London, and whenever he found
a long street that had no tobacconist and a shop to let he took it. In the
course of ten years he had acquired no less than ten shops and he was making
money hand over fist. He went round to all of them himself every Monday,
collected the week’s takings, and took them to the bank.
One
morning when he was there paying in a bundle of notes and a heavy bag of silver
the cashier told him that the manager would like to see him. He was shown into
an office and the manager shook hands with him.
‘Mr
Foreman, I wanted to have a talk to you about the money you’ve got on deposit
with us. D’you know exactly how much it is?’
‘Not
within a pound or two, sir; but I’ve got a pretty rough idea.’
‘Apart
from what you paid in this morning it’s a little over thirty thousand pounds.
That’s a very large sum to have on deposit and I should have thought you’d do
better to invest it.’
‘I
wouldn’t want to take no risk, sir. I know it’s safe in the bank.’
‘You
needn’t have the least anxiety. We’ll make you out a list of absolutely
giltedged securities. They’ll bring you in a better rate of interest than we
can possibly afford to give you.’
A
troubled look settled on Mr Foreman’s distinguished face. ‘I’ve never ‘ad
anything to do with stocks and shares and I’d ‘ave to leave it all in your ‘ands,’
he said.
The
manager smiled. ‘We’ll do everything. All you’ll have to do next time you come
in is just to sign the transfers:
‘I
could do that all right,’ said Albert uncertainly. ‘But ‘ow should I know what
I was signin’?
‘I
suppose you can read,’ said the manager a trifle sharply.
Mr
Foreman gave him a disarming smile.
‘Well,
sir, that’s just it. I can’t. I know it sounds funny-like, but there it is, I
can’t read or write, only me name, an’ I only learnt to do that when I went
into business.’
The
manager was so surprised that he jumped up from his chair.
‘That’s
the most extraordinary thing I ever heard.’
‘You
see, it’s like this, sir, I never ‘ad the opportunity until it was too late and
then some’ow I wouldn’t. I got obstinate-like.’
The
manager stared at him as though he were a prehistoric monster.
‘And
do you mean to say that you’ve built up this important business and amassed a
fortune of thirty thousand pounds without being able to read or write? Good
God, man, what would you be now if you had been able to?’
‘I
can tell you that, sir,’ said Mr Foreman, a little smile on his still
aristocratic features.
‘I’d
be verger of St Peter’s, Neville Square.’
~x~
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